to the man i love..

You always underestimate me.. you think your pushing a button.. but really it is pushing my sorrow.. that after all this time you still havent figured it out.. but i did.. i figured something out today.. it started the other day when we were at steak and shake.. no not this second time.. the first time. when i told you i didnt want to tell you what they had done.. that is just my excuse for how i really feel.. it did make me go into a ball.. but i bounce back well.. and the second time we went this past friday.. the thing i didnt tell you but wanted too.. was that NOONE will ever be able to put me down where i have been again.. EVER.. i let one person have the power and they used.. if you love someone you dont do the things that were done.. and that my love is why the worst you could ever do to me is break my heart.. cause i was almost broken.. almost.. but i bounce back well.. im a fucking survivor and will be for the rest of my life.. i only gave that trust once.. never again as much as i love you will it be available.. cause this is my time on earth.. oh and honey.. i said your not a game.. notthat i didnt play yours right back at you.. laughs.. i love when i get away with it.. the reasons you cannot see why we are so very compatiable.. because neither one of us can give up our games.. and sometimes we can play them hand in hand..
never forget that i love you.. so very deeply im not sure i could ever explain to you.. but know this.. sex is not something that is magical for me.. it makes my body feel good and often does not a damn thing for my brain.. when you made the incentive program designed around my request that if i lost 100 pounds would you take me to dinner.. and added to it that at 50 you would buy me a gun of my choice.. and at my goal weight i could have what i wanted most... when you made that.. i really thought about that last option ... it is something i want but do i want it that way... and here is the answer.. i will take it.. and do you know why.. and here is also why you will never see this letter.. it would ruin the game.. the reason is.. i want it... and why do i want it so desperately... because i know it will mean something.. because god help me i want it to mean something to us both...

sighs.. you will never see all of this letter.. although some of it will be told to you.. but i needed to say it here.. so when the time is right.. or something ever happens to me the people who read this will know they should give this to you.. and you alone.. this website should never go to anyone else but the four here and him..

from my heart and my soul where you reside

Not again....

We got the test results back.. She has displaysia.. that is all we know until more tests are performed.. im so angry!! and sad... its not fair

Who's to blame?

Ive been sitting here thinking that i really have to have this talk with Tara.. the one that says where in the fuck is our relationship going cause this is how i really feel about everything.. yeah that one.. anyways for those of you that dont know.. im waiting for the tests.. they are back but we dont know the results until probably tommorow. so im thinking about what to say and how to say it.. my first thought of course would be wouldnt it be nice to just say it and she understand it... lol.. yeah in my dreams maybe. So anyho.. im trying to say in my head what i blame her for.. kinda like making an outline ya know.. then after i list a list.. a few being breaking promises like she will always taking care of me.. then pushing me out of the boat to sink or swim.. ok that is extreme.. but not much.. here i am more independant than i have almost ever been except when it came to my son.. and now she wants to go back.. i cant ever depend on anyone but me every again. i want her to stick up for our situation.. helll to stick up for us.. but then i realize whos fault is it ultimitely when i stay under the excuse of love.. stay here and stay quiet.

Babies

Now i know that i didnt get to finish raising ryan and that i dont remember a whole lot about when he was real young other than the colic.. but is it really a good idea to discipline a 6 month old... sure dont let him grab people's hair.. but must we smack his hand to where it makes that nice thwack sound over every little thing.. he is going to reach for things.. it is how they learn.. he is going to try and grab your shirt and pants to try and stand.. its what they do for fucks sake.. then your going to induce a fit because you wanted more sleep and dont feel like getting off your ass in order to do your job.. feed the baby.. hell.. how hard is it really.. he just got shots the other day.. he is never going to be a perfect baby to your inpatient self.. and by the way you cant be fucking selfish and sleep ten hours a day when you have one.. it isnt possible so get the fuck over it and try teaching or distraction rather than slapping a baby who has no sense of reason

blankness..lol

Ya know i hate this title shit.. i never know what to put until after i type.. hell it could be anything..lol. So lets see i was planning my next post to be about the changes in myself.. i have no idea what iwas going to say other than the fact i was emotionally exhausted. I guess i want to say what my beliefs are and how t hey have changed and how that has changed my life.. so Here we go..

First of all i am still naive and think i will always be.. it keeps my innocence fresh.. smiles.. my compassion compassionate and true.. besides having no naivete would make me totally jaded. There are a great many things i have learned from a few people.. some things i learned by accident.. others through introspection and a great many more through pain.. emotional pain that is..

Firstly there is Tara and as i have mentioned She wanted me to be more independant.. so i did.. laughs.. karma is a bitch.. anyways.. i learned how not to let others take advantage of me.. not to walk over me and most importantly to recognize it before it starts to happen.. but the best thing She ever taught me was to trust my insticts.. because after all they are awesome.. you can lie to me all you want.. but i know.. it is a truly important part of me.. When i left florida i told my friends that i needed to do this to find who i am.. well im finding her and she isnt to bad.. but it is crushing others.

Then there is Brian.. who has romanced, drowned me in desire and gave me just about every normal fantasy i have ever had.. from our first date at the glow in the dark put put.. to going to the video game place.. to seeing romantic movies.. to just for a few minutes at a time being real.. and then there is the game we play.. laughs.. i have fun .. although at first i have to say i was my naive self and didnt see it.. but now.. after the obsession is gone.. i am still madly in love with him.. i enjoy just being in his company and if i dont see him for a few weeks in a row.. i become irritable.. laughs.. even Tara sees it.. he says he believes me (finally) that i am in love.. now i just have to convince him that that isnt the only way i see him. to me he is a best friend.. we have come close to lovers.. but alas it is the one thing he holds away.. why you may ask.. because he is also a best friend of Tara's .. thier favorite saying.. bros before ho's.. i hate that shit.. but in retrospect he has made me very jaded when it comes to males.. honestly i dont think it is a bad thing.. every hurt puppy i want to take home.. nuture until they are on thier own.. and depending on the male.. breaking a heart or two.. and now.. now i have a firm grip.. when something comes up i handle it.. if i dont know how.. i get advice.. smiles.. i have my sources..

which leads me to the people who are for the most part a secret in my life.. one of them reads this blog.. Tara knows of him but not the fact that he calls me goddess.. or that he honestly has my best interest at heart... yes boy you may comment .. i dont lie to him.. i tell him exactly how it is.. and he is willing to follow regardless.. what joy that gives me!! Tara thinks i have no idea what She is going thru but i do have a clue hence why im willing to give Her the time She needs.. and i love Her..

I may love two people.. and in ways they are alike.. in ways different.. but i love them both the same.. there is a slight difference for one i know tells me the truth way more than the other although that in itself changes as the game changes..

As for the game Brian and I play.. for all thos worried.. i know im playing and what im playing.. dont think he is the only one who plays the game.. laughs.. he thinks he is.. it is fun for us both.. every once in awhile someone gets a bo bo but we pick ourselves up and go on..

oh and the gun range is considered a friendly exploit.. even though shooting makes me horny as hell..

till next time..

All Me

Well this was going to be about me and it is but differently than i thought. Tara today was telling me that i have to hang up some plastic for the windows. She said i would have to rehang his over his window.. i asked why.. She said never mind and on and on cause obviously She had made me angry.. i got angry cause She was talking to me like i was a child.. what i said was that She was talking to me likei was stupid and im not stupid.. then She said because im not to question Her, i said that was before wasnt it.. so yeah now we arent really talking.. i want to talk about but She said not yet.. i just hope this isnt like the other talk we were supposed to have and didnt or the hundreds of issues im not supposed to react upon.. in this house..

i had planned to have this talk much later on,, once we find out if She has cancer or not.. and if so.. prolly after She was better.. She just doesnt see some things.. its time for Her to realize that im a fucking person and the way She lets things go by have affected me and so we must once more change.. well here we go anyways..

i had a heartbreaking blow not long ago.. i thought my son was going to come and live with me.. but it was just his father blowing shit out of his mouth.. i was brokenhearted for my second chance with my son was blown.. and so was my way out.. i want out of this house but i am so in love with Tara.. anyother way this comes out sees us splitting up.. it would hurt so badly.. and i would hurt more for the hurt i had delivered upon Her..

She has had warning it was coming.. from me telling Her i wasnt sure i wanted to be a slave, to me telling Her i wasnt sure how i would turn out or if She would like who i have become.. but there is a flip side..

She did this.. by insiting that i dont totally openly adore and worship Her, and then not to except perhaps in ceartin rare circumstances.. i am an obsessive person.. i used to be obsessive.. willing to give all the loyalty , trust and love i have to give.. dont ask me to take it back.. or hide it under a bushel.. and as to me questioning Her decisions.. look at the ones thus far.. how am i protected? is She taking care of my needs.. those are requirements.. i trusted Her and i almost fell over the edge of nothing ness.. i wont go there.. i am me and here i stand.. love me or leave me alone.

Here we go..

Well i thought i would start out with the obvious and from the beggining.. getting into more detail as time goes on..

On October 6, 2004 i officially entered into my new life.. i had chosen pain and love over normality and lonliness. We met online in a chat room my sister had basically pulled me into without cluing me in.. but im past that petty bullshit. I met Tara... and i was more than willing to kneel at Her feet and do whatever She told me.. She is the only reason i finished school after my son left me to be with his father. Yes im still upset about that and probably will be for a long while, ecspecially when my son believed i had abandon him with his dad.. i reminded him that he was the one to call me on the phone and ask to move there. I did what any loving parent would do when i comes to thier child.. they had more money and could give him the things he needed.. like soccer and baseball.. things i couldnt.

I digress.. so i moved in.. at the time there was another boy here with me who also belonged to Tara we all had a fun time in bed but out of it was another matter.. he put Her down constantly and i put a stop to it.. all i had to do was be angry and he would generally stop.. Her self esteem increased dramatically.. and eventually sandy left.. Tara's daughter also lived with us.. she helped with the bills and after sandy left she began to be angry towards me often.. it became worse after i began seeing brian.. ill come to him in time.. smiles.. so then Tara hooks up with this guy who is really vanilla but wants to try out the whole master thing.. well he wanted me more.. i hated when that happened to Her .. so again i brought up the self esttem...
so eventually Tara's daughter kandy.. brings home a guy from work.. he pretty much never leaves despite the fact that neither of us like or trust him.. we do it for kandy.. fat lot of good that does as they both leave here but not before my purse and our tv disappear..

We try and make it on our own.. just me and Tara.. it was honestly great we didnt mess up the house much.. so i didnt clean to much.. Tara finds kandy.. and after.. ohh you cut your hair off(Tara said to kandy) and oh your pierced your nose(kandy to Tara) they make up.. through struggle of course and kandy moves back in and on her emotional train wreck.. lots of bad things have happened and kandy has a hard time acting older than 12 and being out in public much.. she starts panicking..

And then comes the cancer.. Tara is involved online with a Master and he insists She get a good check up and with my prodding.. She does so.. We find out after months of run around.. She has diabetes and cervical cancer.. we go through all the steps and finally radiation starts.. thank God no chemo.. but after a few months then She must undergo a surgery .. basically they are going to radiate Her from the inside and noone can see Her for three days. but up until they put the things in i could be there.. from diagnosis to this point i was always with Her letting Her know i loved Her ... i was frustrated at times.. because She was so tired and had little appetite for all my cuddling needs.. then when She couldnt work during the radiation.. i was working as much as possible.. running the house.. making decisions.. ya da yadayada.. all this while She is talking more and more to this man online.. we kinda got along.. up until he was taking my woman away more and more in my eyes.. so we get through the cancer thing.. and he moves in.. usually i just call him dumbass..

Well they tell me i cant keep my title.. and for all intense purposes my life.. i coulldnt really cater to Tara anymore.. and i couldnt sleep or do much of anything alone with Her because he got jealous.. yes he knew about us long before he moved in.. so while all this is going on im seeing brian.. he takes me away from the house.. lets me cry a few times on his shoulder and bitch to high hell when i want to.. he lets me vent and kisses and cuddles me.. we become great friends.. only thing is the both of us like playing games.. but we are honest about it.. and most times we have a great time.. except when he doesnt show up like he should.. but hey.. what do ya expect in a game.. cant always have your way.. actually it was more like brian was very into himself.. and then life changed on him.. he really is better for it.. each time he forgets me.. or cant make it.. he makes up for it in a dramatic way.. and he makes me just smile and shake my head.. im in love with him.. as much as im in love with Tara.. She loves me.. he doesnt.. he loves me.. but not in love he says.. my brian is a player.. but it is one of the things i love about him.. because he treats women so well.. except for the whole fucking with the head thing.. laughs..

in the meantime i sit back and grow up a little more each day.. i realize lessons that need to be learned and grow.. the little girl who giggled all the time.. who loved all those things 12 year olds do is gone.. the twenty something is almost gone.. she still comes out at times.. and then there is just me.. im realizing many things about myself.. but i think they shall occupy another post as im getting distracted from my story..

so i fell in love with brian with did not bode well with Tara's master.. i had already began seeing the signs of him paying more attention to me than Her.. so i backed way the fuck up..Tara was angry with me.. some of the sexual acts we had performed affected more than either realized.. and they really should have.. i freaked the fuck out.. see in the lifestyle.. ass raping is a big thing apparently.. at least to the two of them .. and i was a virgin up until about a year ago.. my ass was rather.. and the whol reason she started talking to him was because of this.. i didnt know they were going to be so damn rough.. but i basically have blank spots and memory of stuff that didnt happen... such as me screaming.. apparently only in my head was i screaming.. so besides the fact he is whiny when i forgot to give him a goodnight kiss an is just in general a bi polar moody ass man.. there is my major number three.. what was number one.. showing more interest in me than Her.. big nono.. we went there with the vanilla guy aleady.. it almost split us up.. then there was i cant be a slave.. just a pet or soem shit like that.. so eventually im sleeping on the floor.. there just isnt enough room in the bed for all of us.. then thanksgiving last year.. (2007) he tells me that he knows im in love with brian( i was still trying to figure it out for sure.. denial is awesome) and that now Tara's eyes are opened too.. and now i must sleep on the couch.. we had someone move in for a bit and i got the floor of the room again.. then back to the couch.. during his speal.. he tells me h e wants nothing to do with me.. fine with me.. i didnt want him to touch me.. and Tara is upset cause i didnt tell Her even though i wasnt sure.. pffft.. and noww.....

i sleep inthe living room as there arent enough rooms in the house.. he sits at the puter almost 24 a day.. now that the baby is here(kandy's former best friend moved in and got involved with Tara's Master and got prego.. he is 42 she is almost 22) he takes care of the baby most of the time and the puter the rest.. i dont agree with how they are taking care of the baby and im not the only one. i have moved almostallof my things out.. i also took up shooting.. it relives stress..
i have thought about leaving more than a few times.. alot in the last year.. and just when i think i can do it.. the cancer may be back.. i never fell out of love with Tara.. but i did grow up and learn to finally be independent.. i dont need Her for anything anymor.. i can do it all myself.. but i love Her.. so where did that leave me.. i love brian but he doesnt love me.. and sometimes im not entirely sure what is game and what isnt..

so where do i go from here.. i have decided that if as promised we do not have a home that can accomadate a bed and area for me then i will move on my own.. i can not forever sleep on the couch with fibro.. i have also decided to join a gym regardless of cost because the less i weigh the less pain im in.. why cant i workout at home.... because it is too small for the five adults and a baby .. no room..

so this is where i am now.. next post will be all about me again.. but a more personal view..