to the man i love..

You always underestimate me.. you think your pushing a button.. but really it is pushing my sorrow.. that after all this time you still havent figured it out.. but i did.. i figured something out today.. it started the other day when we were at steak and shake.. no not this second time.. the first time. when i told you i didnt want to tell you what they had done.. that is just my excuse for how i really feel.. it did make me go into a ball.. but i bounce back well.. and the second time we went this past friday.. the thing i didnt tell you but wanted too.. was that NOONE will ever be able to put me down where i have been again.. EVER.. i let one person have the power and they used.. if you love someone you dont do the things that were done.. and that my love is why the worst you could ever do to me is break my heart.. cause i was almost broken.. almost.. but i bounce back well.. im a fucking survivor and will be for the rest of my life.. i only gave that trust once.. never again as much as i love you will it be available.. cause this is my time on earth.. oh and honey.. i said your not a game.. notthat i didnt play yours right back at you.. laughs.. i love when i get away with it.. the reasons you cannot see why we are so very compatiable.. because neither one of us can give up our games.. and sometimes we can play them hand in hand..
never forget that i love you.. so very deeply im not sure i could ever explain to you.. but know this.. sex is not something that is magical for me.. it makes my body feel good and often does not a damn thing for my brain.. when you made the incentive program designed around my request that if i lost 100 pounds would you take me to dinner.. and added to it that at 50 you would buy me a gun of my choice.. and at my goal weight i could have what i wanted most... when you made that.. i really thought about that last option ... it is something i want but do i want it that way... and here is the answer.. i will take it.. and do you know why.. and here is also why you will never see this letter.. it would ruin the game.. the reason is.. i want it... and why do i want it so desperately... because i know it will mean something.. because god help me i want it to mean something to us both...

sighs.. you will never see all of this letter.. although some of it will be told to you.. but i needed to say it here.. so when the time is right.. or something ever happens to me the people who read this will know they should give this to you.. and you alone.. this website should never go to anyone else but the four here and him..

from my heart and my soul where you reside

Not again....

We got the test results back.. She has displaysia.. that is all we know until more tests are performed.. im so angry!! and sad... its not fair

Who's to blame?

Ive been sitting here thinking that i really have to have this talk with Tara.. the one that says where in the fuck is our relationship going cause this is how i really feel about everything.. yeah that one.. anyways for those of you that dont know.. im waiting for the tests.. they are back but we dont know the results until probably tommorow. so im thinking about what to say and how to say it.. my first thought of course would be wouldnt it be nice to just say it and she understand it... lol.. yeah in my dreams maybe. So anyho.. im trying to say in my head what i blame her for.. kinda like making an outline ya know.. then after i list a list.. a few being breaking promises like she will always taking care of me.. then pushing me out of the boat to sink or swim.. ok that is extreme.. but not much.. here i am more independant than i have almost ever been except when it came to my son.. and now she wants to go back.. i cant ever depend on anyone but me every again. i want her to stick up for our situation.. helll to stick up for us.. but then i realize whos fault is it ultimitely when i stay under the excuse of love.. stay here and stay quiet.