Babies

Now i know that i didnt get to finish raising ryan and that i dont remember a whole lot about when he was real young other than the colic.. but is it really a good idea to discipline a 6 month old... sure dont let him grab people's hair.. but must we smack his hand to where it makes that nice thwack sound over every little thing.. he is going to reach for things.. it is how they learn.. he is going to try and grab your shirt and pants to try and stand.. its what they do for fucks sake.. then your going to induce a fit because you wanted more sleep and dont feel like getting off your ass in order to do your job.. feed the baby.. hell.. how hard is it really.. he just got shots the other day.. he is never going to be a perfect baby to your inpatient self.. and by the way you cant be fucking selfish and sleep ten hours a day when you have one.. it isnt possible so get the fuck over it and try teaching or distraction rather than slapping a baby who has no sense of reason

blankness..lol

Ya know i hate this title shit.. i never know what to put until after i type.. hell it could be anything..lol. So lets see i was planning my next post to be about the changes in myself.. i have no idea what iwas going to say other than the fact i was emotionally exhausted. I guess i want to say what my beliefs are and how t hey have changed and how that has changed my life.. so Here we go..

First of all i am still naive and think i will always be.. it keeps my innocence fresh.. smiles.. my compassion compassionate and true.. besides having no naivete would make me totally jaded. There are a great many things i have learned from a few people.. some things i learned by accident.. others through introspection and a great many more through pain.. emotional pain that is..

Firstly there is Tara and as i have mentioned She wanted me to be more independant.. so i did.. laughs.. karma is a bitch.. anyways.. i learned how not to let others take advantage of me.. not to walk over me and most importantly to recognize it before it starts to happen.. but the best thing She ever taught me was to trust my insticts.. because after all they are awesome.. you can lie to me all you want.. but i know.. it is a truly important part of me.. When i left florida i told my friends that i needed to do this to find who i am.. well im finding her and she isnt to bad.. but it is crushing others.

Then there is Brian.. who has romanced, drowned me in desire and gave me just about every normal fantasy i have ever had.. from our first date at the glow in the dark put put.. to going to the video game place.. to seeing romantic movies.. to just for a few minutes at a time being real.. and then there is the game we play.. laughs.. i have fun .. although at first i have to say i was my naive self and didnt see it.. but now.. after the obsession is gone.. i am still madly in love with him.. i enjoy just being in his company and if i dont see him for a few weeks in a row.. i become irritable.. laughs.. even Tara sees it.. he says he believes me (finally) that i am in love.. now i just have to convince him that that isnt the only way i see him. to me he is a best friend.. we have come close to lovers.. but alas it is the one thing he holds away.. why you may ask.. because he is also a best friend of Tara's .. thier favorite saying.. bros before ho's.. i hate that shit.. but in retrospect he has made me very jaded when it comes to males.. honestly i dont think it is a bad thing.. every hurt puppy i want to take home.. nuture until they are on thier own.. and depending on the male.. breaking a heart or two.. and now.. now i have a firm grip.. when something comes up i handle it.. if i dont know how.. i get advice.. smiles.. i have my sources..

which leads me to the people who are for the most part a secret in my life.. one of them reads this blog.. Tara knows of him but not the fact that he calls me goddess.. or that he honestly has my best interest at heart... yes boy you may comment .. i dont lie to him.. i tell him exactly how it is.. and he is willing to follow regardless.. what joy that gives me!! Tara thinks i have no idea what She is going thru but i do have a clue hence why im willing to give Her the time She needs.. and i love Her..

I may love two people.. and in ways they are alike.. in ways different.. but i love them both the same.. there is a slight difference for one i know tells me the truth way more than the other although that in itself changes as the game changes..

As for the game Brian and I play.. for all thos worried.. i know im playing and what im playing.. dont think he is the only one who plays the game.. laughs.. he thinks he is.. it is fun for us both.. every once in awhile someone gets a bo bo but we pick ourselves up and go on..

oh and the gun range is considered a friendly exploit.. even though shooting makes me horny as hell..

till next time..

All Me

Well this was going to be about me and it is but differently than i thought. Tara today was telling me that i have to hang up some plastic for the windows. She said i would have to rehang his over his window.. i asked why.. She said never mind and on and on cause obviously She had made me angry.. i got angry cause She was talking to me like i was a child.. what i said was that She was talking to me likei was stupid and im not stupid.. then She said because im not to question Her, i said that was before wasnt it.. so yeah now we arent really talking.. i want to talk about but She said not yet.. i just hope this isnt like the other talk we were supposed to have and didnt or the hundreds of issues im not supposed to react upon.. in this house..

i had planned to have this talk much later on,, once we find out if She has cancer or not.. and if so.. prolly after She was better.. She just doesnt see some things.. its time for Her to realize that im a fucking person and the way She lets things go by have affected me and so we must once more change.. well here we go anyways..

i had a heartbreaking blow not long ago.. i thought my son was going to come and live with me.. but it was just his father blowing shit out of his mouth.. i was brokenhearted for my second chance with my son was blown.. and so was my way out.. i want out of this house but i am so in love with Tara.. anyother way this comes out sees us splitting up.. it would hurt so badly.. and i would hurt more for the hurt i had delivered upon Her..

She has had warning it was coming.. from me telling Her i wasnt sure i wanted to be a slave, to me telling Her i wasnt sure how i would turn out or if She would like who i have become.. but there is a flip side..

She did this.. by insiting that i dont totally openly adore and worship Her, and then not to except perhaps in ceartin rare circumstances.. i am an obsessive person.. i used to be obsessive.. willing to give all the loyalty , trust and love i have to give.. dont ask me to take it back.. or hide it under a bushel.. and as to me questioning Her decisions.. look at the ones thus far.. how am i protected? is She taking care of my needs.. those are requirements.. i trusted Her and i almost fell over the edge of nothing ness.. i wont go there.. i am me and here i stand.. love me or leave me alone.