Here we go..

Well i thought i would start out with the obvious and from the beggining.. getting into more detail as time goes on..

On October 6, 2004 i officially entered into my new life.. i had chosen pain and love over normality and lonliness. We met online in a chat room my sister had basically pulled me into without cluing me in.. but im past that petty bullshit. I met Tara... and i was more than willing to kneel at Her feet and do whatever She told me.. She is the only reason i finished school after my son left me to be with his father. Yes im still upset about that and probably will be for a long while, ecspecially when my son believed i had abandon him with his dad.. i reminded him that he was the one to call me on the phone and ask to move there. I did what any loving parent would do when i comes to thier child.. they had more money and could give him the things he needed.. like soccer and baseball.. things i couldnt.

I digress.. so i moved in.. at the time there was another boy here with me who also belonged to Tara we all had a fun time in bed but out of it was another matter.. he put Her down constantly and i put a stop to it.. all i had to do was be angry and he would generally stop.. Her self esteem increased dramatically.. and eventually sandy left.. Tara's daughter also lived with us.. she helped with the bills and after sandy left she began to be angry towards me often.. it became worse after i began seeing brian.. ill come to him in time.. smiles.. so then Tara hooks up with this guy who is really vanilla but wants to try out the whole master thing.. well he wanted me more.. i hated when that happened to Her .. so again i brought up the self esttem...
so eventually Tara's daughter kandy.. brings home a guy from work.. he pretty much never leaves despite the fact that neither of us like or trust him.. we do it for kandy.. fat lot of good that does as they both leave here but not before my purse and our tv disappear..

We try and make it on our own.. just me and Tara.. it was honestly great we didnt mess up the house much.. so i didnt clean to much.. Tara finds kandy.. and after.. ohh you cut your hair off(Tara said to kandy) and oh your pierced your nose(kandy to Tara) they make up.. through struggle of course and kandy moves back in and on her emotional train wreck.. lots of bad things have happened and kandy has a hard time acting older than 12 and being out in public much.. she starts panicking..

And then comes the cancer.. Tara is involved online with a Master and he insists She get a good check up and with my prodding.. She does so.. We find out after months of run around.. She has diabetes and cervical cancer.. we go through all the steps and finally radiation starts.. thank God no chemo.. but after a few months then She must undergo a surgery .. basically they are going to radiate Her from the inside and noone can see Her for three days. but up until they put the things in i could be there.. from diagnosis to this point i was always with Her letting Her know i loved Her ... i was frustrated at times.. because She was so tired and had little appetite for all my cuddling needs.. then when She couldnt work during the radiation.. i was working as much as possible.. running the house.. making decisions.. ya da yadayada.. all this while She is talking more and more to this man online.. we kinda got along.. up until he was taking my woman away more and more in my eyes.. so we get through the cancer thing.. and he moves in.. usually i just call him dumbass..

Well they tell me i cant keep my title.. and for all intense purposes my life.. i coulldnt really cater to Tara anymore.. and i couldnt sleep or do much of anything alone with Her because he got jealous.. yes he knew about us long before he moved in.. so while all this is going on im seeing brian.. he takes me away from the house.. lets me cry a few times on his shoulder and bitch to high hell when i want to.. he lets me vent and kisses and cuddles me.. we become great friends.. only thing is the both of us like playing games.. but we are honest about it.. and most times we have a great time.. except when he doesnt show up like he should.. but hey.. what do ya expect in a game.. cant always have your way.. actually it was more like brian was very into himself.. and then life changed on him.. he really is better for it.. each time he forgets me.. or cant make it.. he makes up for it in a dramatic way.. and he makes me just smile and shake my head.. im in love with him.. as much as im in love with Tara.. She loves me.. he doesnt.. he loves me.. but not in love he says.. my brian is a player.. but it is one of the things i love about him.. because he treats women so well.. except for the whole fucking with the head thing.. laughs..

in the meantime i sit back and grow up a little more each day.. i realize lessons that need to be learned and grow.. the little girl who giggled all the time.. who loved all those things 12 year olds do is gone.. the twenty something is almost gone.. she still comes out at times.. and then there is just me.. im realizing many things about myself.. but i think they shall occupy another post as im getting distracted from my story..

so i fell in love with brian with did not bode well with Tara's master.. i had already began seeing the signs of him paying more attention to me than Her.. so i backed way the fuck up..Tara was angry with me.. some of the sexual acts we had performed affected more than either realized.. and they really should have.. i freaked the fuck out.. see in the lifestyle.. ass raping is a big thing apparently.. at least to the two of them .. and i was a virgin up until about a year ago.. my ass was rather.. and the whol reason she started talking to him was because of this.. i didnt know they were going to be so damn rough.. but i basically have blank spots and memory of stuff that didnt happen... such as me screaming.. apparently only in my head was i screaming.. so besides the fact he is whiny when i forgot to give him a goodnight kiss an is just in general a bi polar moody ass man.. there is my major number three.. what was number one.. showing more interest in me than Her.. big nono.. we went there with the vanilla guy aleady.. it almost split us up.. then there was i cant be a slave.. just a pet or soem shit like that.. so eventually im sleeping on the floor.. there just isnt enough room in the bed for all of us.. then thanksgiving last year.. (2007) he tells me that he knows im in love with brian( i was still trying to figure it out for sure.. denial is awesome) and that now Tara's eyes are opened too.. and now i must sleep on the couch.. we had someone move in for a bit and i got the floor of the room again.. then back to the couch.. during his speal.. he tells me h e wants nothing to do with me.. fine with me.. i didnt want him to touch me.. and Tara is upset cause i didnt tell Her even though i wasnt sure.. pffft.. and noww.....

i sleep inthe living room as there arent enough rooms in the house.. he sits at the puter almost 24 a day.. now that the baby is here(kandy's former best friend moved in and got involved with Tara's Master and got prego.. he is 42 she is almost 22) he takes care of the baby most of the time and the puter the rest.. i dont agree with how they are taking care of the baby and im not the only one. i have moved almostallof my things out.. i also took up shooting.. it relives stress..
i have thought about leaving more than a few times.. alot in the last year.. and just when i think i can do it.. the cancer may be back.. i never fell out of love with Tara.. but i did grow up and learn to finally be independent.. i dont need Her for anything anymor.. i can do it all myself.. but i love Her.. so where did that leave me.. i love brian but he doesnt love me.. and sometimes im not entirely sure what is game and what isnt..

so where do i go from here.. i have decided that if as promised we do not have a home that can accomadate a bed and area for me then i will move on my own.. i can not forever sleep on the couch with fibro.. i have also decided to join a gym regardless of cost because the less i weigh the less pain im in.. why cant i workout at home.... because it is too small for the five adults and a baby .. no room..

so this is where i am now.. next post will be all about me again.. but a more personal view..

Just the beginning!

This place will be for all my true thoughts and for you to learn more about whom i have truly become.. i have changed in alot of ways over the past four years.. and although im censored from my other places online.. this one will be uncensored.. as far as i can see there are only three people who will have this.. for now.. hopefully there will be another one day. I shall start another time though because it is bedtime.. i hope this will turn out the way i want..